June 9, 2010

Feeling Left Out

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 11:11 am by Amy

One of the issues I was really hoping to avoid when I picked my bridal party are fights amongst them. I don’t imagine anyone picks a bridal party knowing that they maids or groomsmen might not get along, but inevitably sometimes it happens – especially when you have a lengthy engagement period. Luckily for me, my MOH (and the keeper of my sanity so it seems) lives about 3 hours away and hasn’t met my other two maids yet. I have no doubt they’ll get along, but it’s nice to have someone that’s not so close to everything going on here to give me unbiased (and in this case, rather blunt) advice from an outside perspective.

Right now, my two maids are not on the best of terms. It’s really upsetting because both are two very dear and good friends of mine. Both have completely different things going on in their lives right now and come from different backgrounds. I can relate a little to both ends of that spectrum and that tends to put me in the middle of all of this, not because I have to be, but because I’m close enough to both of them, I have a pretty good ability to empathize and relate and I want to keep the peace I guess.

But, now things are starting to come to a head and I’m a little worried it’s going to cause issues/tension down the road between the two of them and between their significant others – which puts Garry and I (well mostly me because Garry is pretty good at staying out of friend drama)… again… in the middle.

If I knew I could get away with it – I would sit all four of them down in a room and have a big group counseling session to get things out into the open. I know I’m not a counselor, but I do have the ability to communicate well with people. (Thank you Dr. Young and Com. Theory class!) There are truely hurt feelings here on both sides and from what I’m finding is that (as usual) it’s a communication breakdown. However, I don’t want to have to go back and forth between the four of them to ask “How do you really feel?” and “Maybe you could try handling it this way” because I’m afraid it will end up making me the messenger and we all know what happens to the messenger when they bring bad news…

The good thing about it though is that at first I can listen to what they are saying and relay it in a way that is going to come across as less confrontational and hopefully a little more clear on intention and the actual feelings to get the recovery ball rolling. I’m hoping that will help in the short run.

Aside from taking up the role of mediator, I’m also finding out about people being hurt or otherwise feeling left out if we don’t give them a part in the ceremony. As it stands we have 18 people (including Garry and I) in the ceremony. That is a LOT of people, but we had restrictions: they had to be people we’ve worked and felt comfortable in ritual space with, half had to be men and half had to be women, and (this applies mostly for the 8 people we chose to be Sabbat gates in our ritual) they had to embody the energy of that Sabbat in a positive way (that was the most important). Unfortunately there are people we love and are friends with that for one reason or another didn’t completely fit that category – or there was someone we knew that filled the role a little better. It’s like casting for a play really – you pick who you think is the best for that role to acheieve the results that you want. Sure some of the people we may not spend as much time with on a regular basis, but the work we’ve done in ritual space with them and knowing the personal work they do (be it spiritual or even a career), is what we’re looking for.

We have already chosen the people we want to be a part of the the ceremony cast (except for one person we haven’t gotten in touch with yet) and we chose these certain people for a reason. When I say “we” chose I truely mean “we” – I did not choose all or majority and Garry didn’t choose all or majority.

What I’m meaning to say is that I hate for people to feel “left out”, but there is really only so much to do and even for us there is a huge cast so to speak. How do you say “I’m sorry we didn’t pick you for a part in our ceremony, but we chose who we chose based on our history with these people – most of whom we’ve known and worked in ritual space with for years.” without hurting their feelings? I also would hate to give someone a “part” just because they feel like they’re left out. There is a lot of work to be done outside the ritual (although I know that’s where all the fun and glory is) and for the wedding we will need even more people still (ushers, and people handing out programs) so just because there isn’t something to do during the handfasting ritual, there is probably something that will need to be done for the wedding (like making sure my grandma has a good stiff drink before hand – which is vitally important I think).

I guess it goes along the lines of “you can’t invite everybody” (okay, unless you’re godly rich, or in the case of where I live – if you’re Italian and invite everysingleperson you’ve ever known in your life) where someone is going to be upset/offended because they didn’t get an invitation. I remember when my friend Laura got married a few years ago and all of my girlfriends from our little college group were invited (and were bridesmaids) – except me (I wasn’t even invited) – and I was a little hurt.

I realized after I sat down and thought about it – that Laura and I weren’t particularly close in college and (honestly) I fell off the Earth for a while after college. As it stands now – I haven’t seen everyone together in about 3 years. Although I did see Amanda and Gina last summer.

So what do you say when someone asks “where is my invitation?” when you don’t have one for them? Luckily we are having a pot-luck dinner for the handfasting so we can really invite as many people as we want and not have to worry too much about feeding everyone (except for cupcakes and some sort of meat) so I’m not as worried about that. For the wedding, I’m a little anxious to see how that pans out. We want to invite people that will get along and mix well in a group. We don’t want to invite one or  two people from work because they won’t have anyone to talk to that they know at the reception and probably not have as good of a time as say, a larger group of people that know each other.

At least with the handfasting we can invite a bunch of our local friends (we don’t have to pay for a tent, chairs and venue costs there which is good) that we probably wouldn’t invite to our wedding because of space/money restrictions so no one feels left out.

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